It was Saturday morning, the start of my weekly 48 hour leave from the daily leech of time and energy otherwise known as work. With the dawn of the weekend came the promise of normalcy and reuniting with the people I had been coexisting alongside all week...my family. I had my usual weekend to do list that was piled with chores and my leisure items like reading, yoga, and catching up on my soap operas. On the top of the list this Saturday was a bike riding lesson with my 6 year old son, Mehki. Last Saturday during the completion of #3 on my list: Take Mehki to the park, I was mortified to realize he couldn't ride a bike. I mean couldn't even begin to work the pedals! So on this Saturday, teaching him this life skill became my mission! On our way out the door my husband stopped me. " Honey, you still look exhausted! And it's 8 A.M. what are you doing? You've worked 10 hour days all week. You must be exhausted!" My voice strained as I responded to what felt like an attack on my motherhood , "Mehki needs to learn and this is the only time I have to teach him" Not sensing or possibly ignoring my irritation he continued his argument. "Why don't you rest a little while longer and then take him or Ill take him when I get up? Why does this have to happen this minute?" A full blown snap began to brew inside my sleep deprived mind. How dare he question my desire to make sure our son has a basic life skill? How dare he question my parental discernment? And who does he think he is telling me I am tired? Though I had a lot to say in response to his line of questioning, all I could muster was an eye roll on my way out the door. I didn't have time to waste. I had 48 hours to get my son caught up with life.
I started him off easy on the flat parking lot outside our apartments. It didn't take him long to understand the mechanics of the pedals so I decided to take him around the neighborhood. Mehki is the spitting image of me; not only in physical appearance but also in personality. He is overly cautious, overly afraid to make a mistake but most of all overly NERVOUS! This makes for a... special type of student when it comes to teaching things that require a little risk taking such as bike riding. The only person who would be better than me at teaching him is my Daddy. He has the patience of Job. He taught me how to ride a bike and drive and never once lost his cool or gave up on me. Teaching Mehki was like a flashback except I was the one holding the back of the bike. I found myself saying the same phrases my Dad used on me 25 years ago. " you're going to have to pedal faster to keep the bike up, you control the bike it doesn't control you, You can not come to a complete stop when you're trying to turn" and my favorite "breathe and be brave!." He always knows what to say to make me feel brave. I knew exactly how my son was feeling and I knew just how to help him. With the loving patience I learned from my dear old... My thoughts came to a screeching halt at the sound of my son's hysterical scream.
Whooooa! Mehki screamed as he flew down the street on his bike. During my "Ode To Dad" thought sequence I hadn't noticed a moderate decline in the pavement. It wasn't very steep but to a novice bike rider it was probably terrifying. Hit breaks! Hit breaks! I screamed while running after him. We finally reached the bottom of the little hill. He was hysterical! Mehki why didn't you hit the breaks if you didn't like how fast you were going? He replied " I... I was outta contwol! I didn't stop to think about my answer it just poured out like it had been pooling there at the spout waiting for me to tip it over and let it out. "Out of control!? You are NEVER out of control!" At this point I began to hear my father's voice ring in my head simultaneously as I continued my rant. "You control the bike it Never controls you! It can't do anything you don't allow it to. You are ALWAYS in control!" Mehki said nothing else during the ride home and if he did I couldn't hear it over my thoughts. Why did he have to learn to ride today? Why is this bothering me? Why do I feel so guilty and inadequate when I am always doing the "right" things? And then it hit me, was I the one that was outta control?
Yes, I am presumably doing everything correct; working, mothering, being a partner to my husband but was I just letting the "bike ride" of life spin me so quickly that I lost focus of my desires and dreams? Am I just randomly checking off tasks instead of fulfilling my purpose? With that thought my self-made dam of denial broke and tears flooded my eyes. I guess I wasn't sobbing as quietly as I thought because Mehki turned around to ask what was wrong. "Mommy is sorry she yelled. I'm sorry you are just learning how to ride. I'm sorry I'm always busy!" Then my son grabbed my forearm looked me dead in the eyes and said quite matter of factly, "Dad said never say you're sorry. Say you apologize because we arent sorry people." He shrugged his shoulders and continued " we all make mistakes except Jesus He was perfect!" I chuckled and wiped my face. I swear this little boy has been here before. He was right. The pressure I feel is self applied. And it's obvious my kid doesn't think I'm a bad mom so I need to stop beating myself up.
On the way home I confessed to myself that this bike ride was never intended for Mehki but I was so glad he was present for it. In an attempt to alleviate feelings of guilt and inadequacy I stumbled upon clarity. I must redirect my focus to what is important to me. During this ride, a life lesson was reaffirmed in me. I am ALWAYS in control of my life. My life will be what I choose to make it. I just have to breath and be brave.
I started him off easy on the flat parking lot outside our apartments. It didn't take him long to understand the mechanics of the pedals so I decided to take him around the neighborhood. Mehki is the spitting image of me; not only in physical appearance but also in personality. He is overly cautious, overly afraid to make a mistake but most of all overly NERVOUS! This makes for a... special type of student when it comes to teaching things that require a little risk taking such as bike riding. The only person who would be better than me at teaching him is my Daddy. He has the patience of Job. He taught me how to ride a bike and drive and never once lost his cool or gave up on me. Teaching Mehki was like a flashback except I was the one holding the back of the bike. I found myself saying the same phrases my Dad used on me 25 years ago. " you're going to have to pedal faster to keep the bike up, you control the bike it doesn't control you, You can not come to a complete stop when you're trying to turn" and my favorite "breathe and be brave!." He always knows what to say to make me feel brave. I knew exactly how my son was feeling and I knew just how to help him. With the loving patience I learned from my dear old... My thoughts came to a screeching halt at the sound of my son's hysterical scream.
Whooooa! Mehki screamed as he flew down the street on his bike. During my "Ode To Dad" thought sequence I hadn't noticed a moderate decline in the pavement. It wasn't very steep but to a novice bike rider it was probably terrifying. Hit breaks! Hit breaks! I screamed while running after him. We finally reached the bottom of the little hill. He was hysterical! Mehki why didn't you hit the breaks if you didn't like how fast you were going? He replied " I... I was outta contwol! I didn't stop to think about my answer it just poured out like it had been pooling there at the spout waiting for me to tip it over and let it out. "Out of control!? You are NEVER out of control!" At this point I began to hear my father's voice ring in my head simultaneously as I continued my rant. "You control the bike it Never controls you! It can't do anything you don't allow it to. You are ALWAYS in control!" Mehki said nothing else during the ride home and if he did I couldn't hear it over my thoughts. Why did he have to learn to ride today? Why is this bothering me? Why do I feel so guilty and inadequate when I am always doing the "right" things? And then it hit me, was I the one that was outta control?
Yes, I am presumably doing everything correct; working, mothering, being a partner to my husband but was I just letting the "bike ride" of life spin me so quickly that I lost focus of my desires and dreams? Am I just randomly checking off tasks instead of fulfilling my purpose? With that thought my self-made dam of denial broke and tears flooded my eyes. I guess I wasn't sobbing as quietly as I thought because Mehki turned around to ask what was wrong. "Mommy is sorry she yelled. I'm sorry you are just learning how to ride. I'm sorry I'm always busy!" Then my son grabbed my forearm looked me dead in the eyes and said quite matter of factly, "Dad said never say you're sorry. Say you apologize because we arent sorry people." He shrugged his shoulders and continued " we all make mistakes except Jesus He was perfect!" I chuckled and wiped my face. I swear this little boy has been here before. He was right. The pressure I feel is self applied. And it's obvious my kid doesn't think I'm a bad mom so I need to stop beating myself up.
On the way home I confessed to myself that this bike ride was never intended for Mehki but I was so glad he was present for it. In an attempt to alleviate feelings of guilt and inadequacy I stumbled upon clarity. I must redirect my focus to what is important to me. During this ride, a life lesson was reaffirmed in me. I am ALWAYS in control of my life. My life will be what I choose to make it. I just have to breath and be brave.